My insecurities always got the best of me. I wonder today if that was the main reason that ALL of my relationships from the past never worked out. Why the guys always ended up running away...or rather I broke up with them and they didnt object. But insecurities go away over time...you grow up, move on and learn from all that heartbreak. And then one day you meet a guy who looks you in the eye on that first date and you know that he is the one. The love is there from the beginning and it begins to grow on you. And no matter how hard you try not to open up and become vulnerable, one day you think about how you'd feel if they were gone and you didnt have them anymore and thats when you know...you're in deep and there wasnt shit you could do about it. I know how it feels to be in deep and always sit around and wonder if he's going to be there tomorrow, if he is going to still love you tomorrow or if you're going to hear the infamous words "I just dont feel THAT connection with you...maybe we should just be friends" or "I have met someone else." But the perks of being in a 2 sided relationship where the love goes both ways are amazing. Knowing he will be there tomorrow and he is thinking about you when you arent around. Knowing hes as crazy in love with you as you are with him. Knowing that everything you are willing to give he is willing to give right back. Knowing he will provide for you, protect you and profess his love for you. Knowing no matter what, he would drive accross the world to make sure you're okay, but he couldnt imagine having you that far away from him without him being there. Here are the perks I have found just  by being in a healthy relationship (and believe me, it took a lot of assholes to get through to find this amazing guy)

1. In the beginning he spoiled me with dinners a couple times a week and it took him 5 dates to kiss me because he had only kissed 1 girl before me.
2. When my master cylinder went out for my brakes he fixed it the next day and in the meantime he let me drive his $28,000 mustang GT.
3. He took me shooting his rifle and his handgun so that if I ever had to be alone in the house and he wasnt there to protect me, I would know how to protect myself.
4. He understands I have debts to pay off and doesnt judge me for it...he even buys me nice dinners at restaurants or buys food and I cook for him.
5. He loves me and I see it everytime he looks at me or when we make love.
6. He kisses me 10 times in the morning before he goes to work and tucks me back in, then as he skips out the door he says I love you and he's off to work for the day.

These are all fantastic things, and I am not afraid to give him all I have. After Chris the thought of being in a relationship scared the shit out of me. But with Jeremy, even though there was something blocking me in the beginning from fully loving him, one day I thought about it and realized...I loved him from the very first date we went on. I gave him a chance, and he gave me one, and I know he will be the one I will marry. The one that will provide for me and for our family. And it doesnt scare me that he will be with only man I will love and be with for the rest of my life. I dont look at it like that. I look at it like, if he were there everyday I came home, I would be the luckiest girl in the world. The luckiest girl to have an amazing, positive, handsome, sexy, sweet and caring man in my life, for the rest of my life. One who will love me til the end of our lives. THATS how I see it. That is what life is.

It has got to have been months since I wrote a blog. Its been months since I have written anything, since I have wanted to write something. Last time I wrote I believe it was about me wanting to become a cop. Its funny that everytime I make this big decision, something happens that prevents me from going for it. I believe there is such a thing as fate, but that you can mold it to fit you better. And lately I have been wondering whether what im doing with my life is what I want. For a couple months after Chris, I was single. Yes, C is Chris, I am finished using his first initial. And there were those nights when I was so lonely that I wished so bad that there was someone there. First it was Chris who I wished was there, then it became anyone, I stopped caring. I worked my night shift and then came home and slept and then repeated it over again. I was single and lonely. But surprisingly, I wasnt sad, just lonely on some nights. 

Then I went on a motorcycle ride with my friend Crystal and her husband and his friend from work. It was a little set up and we all went to Durango. The guy was cute, but in a goofy way. We all had a good time and hung out all day and then afterwards he asked me out to dinner sometime and we exchanged numbers. That weekend he took me out and we had a great time. Since then, for the past month and a half, we have been together, hanging out and doing things together. Things are great. But for some pitifully pathetic reason I still think about Chris...a lot. For a long time I had it in my mind, trying to convince myself that I wasnt happy with him, that he wasnt the one for me. But if thats the case then why the hell cant I stop picturing the way his mouth looked when he smiled...or the way he laughed and joked around with me. Was I missing something? I cant read minds and I am no good at being able to tell how the guy im with is feeling. I am not a shrink and I have no experience when it comes to phsycological shit. I remember little things like how when we were playing Tiger Woods golf together he would want me to be touching him someway. Whether it be an arm around him or just cuddling with him, he would want me close. How in the morning the first thing he did was snuggle and not want to get out of bed. And then slowly, those things changed. He started just getting out of bed and going to get ready for work. He started not going in for that kiss in the morning when parting ways. I thought these were all normal parts of a growing relationship, but now I think maybe it was me. Maybe I expected too much and gave too little. But inside, like deep down, I feel like this guy isnt the one for me. What is it about this guy who is stuck to my brain like a magnet that just wont come off? What is it about him that makes me think about him everyday even after months of not seeing or talking to him. Why does it kill me to know that hes with HER now and they're happy together? Maybe it just pissses me off that she can make him happy and that I never did.

And what is it about me that wont let myself let my fucking wall down to love this new guy who deserves nothing less than my 100% affection and adoration...maybe its because I dont feel like my love and admiration is good enough for him. I am broken, my love is broken, and I guess small parts of my heart are still broken. Can my heart heal while im trying to fall in love with someone else? Or did I need more time? If my heart isnt healing now, and it feels like its breaking more, does that mean this new guy isnt the right one for me? If Chris came back and told me that he was crazy for letting me go, would I take him back? The thing thats scaring the hell out of my right now is the fact that I think I would.

You can convince yourself of something for so long that you actually start believing it....until you realize that you never really believed it at all. You just wanted to.

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to
make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all
you want to do is cry
 
And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make
things better now and
Maybe someday we'll live
our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away
then maybe you can change
your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on
everything around you
Man it's good to be so warm
 

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just
feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live
our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

When C and I broke up, things were so hard. There were times when I would sit in my room with a cigarette in one hand and the other on my chest because I felt like I was going to die. The only thing that kept me sane (ironically) was the nicotine from the cigarette. I stopped smoking after the whole C thing.

I remember calling my mom and the first thing I said was "I'm a mess and I dont know what to do."

And it was the truth. You know that feeling you get when you experience a tramatic heartbreak and you feel like that piece of you that you gave to that person is just gone forever? You dont even know where to begin to look for it again? You just want to get out of your life for a day...maybe 2 and you think that maybe running away from it will help. My first instict after a bad breakup is to just run away. And that needs to stop. I have the strength inside me and I know I will be heartbroken again. Life is not being lived if you are scared to love. You just become smarter over each heartbreak on WHO you are going to give your love to. I remember my first s relationship. He was and is an amazing guy. I loved him with all my heart and he loved me the same way. There is a comfort in knowing that your love is being returned to you. It puts your heart at ease...you feel good. I havent had that love since. I havent felt that since...and I believe that everyone is searching for it, but if you have never had it before you dont know exactly what you're missing out on. I know that my first relationship wasnt meant to last...eventually we grew apart. But I learned so damn much. And I miss that.

I went and had my rebound, and I am living the single life, enjoying the me time and not having to worry about anyone else but myself for a change. But it gets lonely. The solitary life. With no man to hold you or love you. But like Ms. Monroe said "Its better to be unhappy alone, then to be unhappy with someone." And I cant say im unhappy, im just lonely sometimes. Spending your night with a handsome man you dont know much about is nice, refreshing. But the next day you're back to where you started. Still alone. Still lonely. Still single. I guess what I am saying with this blog is that I am having a night where I am reflecting. He is with her. He has moved on, as have I. I miss him sometimes. I wish we could be at the level where we could sit and talk like we used to. In a coffee shop, updating each other and our lives. I still wonder how he's doing. But if he's with her, I just dont want to be around that. I dont think she's good enough for him, and I have never even met her. I am basing this on what I have heard about her from my friend A. But if she makes him happy, I guess I am happy for him. I cant help but wonder if they have the same problems we had. His lack of emotional commitment, his lack of PDA. Things any girl would expect from a guy they are with, but dont get.

Its time for me to live my life more, and eventually I will find what I think I am looking for. Until then, its all focus on becoming a police officer (my dream since I was 16 and im finally old enough - I have my physical and written exam on the 10th of october) If I dont get in, I want to join the Army Reserves, but even now I am not sure if I want to support a country (USA) that puts their nose into things where it doesnt belong. I would be doing it for the recruitment payout ($20,000) bonus. And the top notch education I would be getting. But what if I got sent to Afganistan? All these thoughts racing through my head. I dont belong here in this small town if I am not a cop here. And even then I would transfer to another state after probation period is over. I dont belong at this little college taking classes and going 2 years of my life to get a degree in a field I cant even make my mind up about. I want to see the world. I want to live and make the best out of my life. And for once I honesly can say that I have no fucking idea how to do that.

Eh. Around 2:30 last night my friend Pat came over and we finished off a pepsi and a half a bottle of triple distilled raspberry vodka. I am hungover now, making me remember why I dont drink. And I have a lot of stuff to do today. Well not a lot. I just have to get my paycheck and cash it, but when you're hungover that feels like a billion things to do.

Eh, fuck it.

1. I decided im taking a break from the gym and doing the P90x workout at home. Afterall my dad did spend a buttload of money on it and didnt use it, and its an amazing workout. I did my first chest and shoulder workout today. INTENSE! If I keep seeing C at the gym im never gonna get over him, especially if hes with her. I keep having dreams about him too. Ridiculous! It needs to stop.
2. I told new guy not to contact me until he gets all the shit worked out in his life. Thats right, I actually made a smart decision!
3. I am just plain not ready for love right now. Period.
4. The real world is on tonight. You ready Aneta!
5. My throat still hurts, and I have no idea why. Its better than how it was the other day though. Last night of work tonight and then I have the next 2 1/2 days off.
6. The weather is amazing. Looks like its going to rain and the wind is blowing a cool breeze.

Things are going well..Im still going to hit the pool @ the gym in the mornings of the days P90x lets me rest, but other than that I need to get away from there for a while. And if I decide I want to go one day, ill go around 3:30 or 4. Less busy and no C or Jobo.